lessons learnt from four years of being an author-entrepreneur

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” 

— Howard Thurman

I almost didn't write this post this year. I usually write these posts to reflect on and glean wisdom from the year that's gone past.

This year, giving a talk on self-publishing at the Burlington Public Library as part of their annual Literary Festival helped me gain that clarity and insight.

But I love a bit of tradition. So I decided to go back and look at the annual posts I've written on this topic since 2020. You can find the them under the collection 'annual reflections'.

What struck me the most was how much I've grown, how much has changed, how much I've changed, since I first set out on this journey.

When I wrote the first post in this collection in December 2020, I was still in the midst of writing Dying Wishes. Last year, I could proudly declare that Dying Wishes had been a finalist for the 2023 Rakuten Kobo Emerging Writer Prize in the Speculative Fiction category.

Strangely, it feels as though not four years, but an entire lifetime has passed in this duration.

Funnily enough, much has remained the same. The entire business of indie publishing boils down to writing your books and getting your books in front of as many readers as you can.

It is my attitudes and beliefs that have undergone a sea change in these past four years. It is as though the intentions I had set four years ago have now become a matter of daily practice for me.

The most important thing though is the final acceptance that there is no silver bullet. I've finally stopped seeking one.

That doesn't stop the doubts and fears from arising. They keep coming just as before; it's just that my ability to withstand them or take a break when I find myself unable to cope have increased significantly.

I'm surprise to find this has happened. For a long time it felt as though I'd never get better at coping with the uncertainty of it all. It comes as a relief to find that that's not true.

So, first things first, a look at what all the work I've done this year.

Celebrating my Wins

• I started the year publishing the short story, Mrs. D'Souza's Dispute with God. I can't remember when I actually wrote it but a dear uncle of mine (my dad's youngest sibling) passed away in January, and that prompted me to publish this story, dedicated to my uncle and another dear aunt of mine who departed too soon, and later send a paperback copy to my cousin.
• I published my first collection of short stories, Your Mothers' Nightmares, and also published each story individually.
• I set up my own online store for my ebooks over on PayHip!
• I resumed writing Tales for Dreamers and posting them every Friday morning at 9 AM EST.

Last year, I said that the subscription model was not for me. That thought came up a lot when I was thinking of going back to writing and posting these stories on the website once more.

I've come to realize that I don't have a problem posting these tales on the website on a weekly schedule; it's when I had to schedule these to be emailed to subscribers on a weekly basis that was causing me anxiety.

Publishing them on the website makes it feel like a fun project I'm doing for myself; if others want to read these stories, they're welcome to join the ride.

But committing myself to email a story a week to subscribers felt as though I had imprisoned myself, and I couldn't get out of that commitment fast enough!

I don't know why this is so, but I'm at least glad I realized this about myself.

• I've gone back to writing a fantasy/sci-fi duology I had started way back in April 2022. I've had a lot of start-stop encounters with this series, but after returning from my summer trip to India, I resumed writing Book 1 with great enthusiasm.
• Halfway through the writing of Book 1, a secondary character wanted his story to be heard, so I went ahead and finished writing A Life of Purpose/The Making of Alexi (it's a working title). It'd be Book 1.5 in the series, as things stand! So that's another win — completing my first novel after Erased From Existence, which was published in July 2022!
• I gave a talk titled 'Myths & Realities of Self-Publishing' at the beloved Burlington Public Library last month. The audience loved it, the organizers were enthralled, and I got the gift of clarity and insight about my own journey forward as I prepared to deliver this talk peppered with lessons learnt so far.

The Way Ahead

For a long time, I've struggled to set futuristic goals for myself on this journey. Experts often suggest that we set concrete goals, such an an annual income of, say, $100K in five years from now, or earnings of $1 million in royalties by a particular date, and so on and so forth.

Somehow these numbers haven't motivated me. In fact, the more I look at numbers like these, the more discouraged and worried I feel.

It occurred to me a few days ago that even if I had a bigger bank balance or a bigger house five years down the line, my days would look pretty much the same. Writing, and spending time with KrA and D, if luck remains on my side.

Then why has there been an undercurrent of fear and anxiety on this journey for so long?

My clearest memories of happiness and joy from writing are from the time when I was writing In Search of Leo, the very first book I wrote and published. I clearly remember the joy and delight that rose in me when a turn of phrase occurred to me as I was doing the dishes and little D was taking an afternoon nap. He was barely a year old then. I noted it down in a pad as it was time for him to wake up, and I remember looking forward to getting back to the laptop to continue writing that scene.

The disappointments began to set in only after I released the book to the world and understood that writing the book had, in fact, been the easiest part. Getting people to read it was another game altogether!

Even so, I've experimented a fair bit and learnt a lot in these past few years. Surely, all that counts for something.

So when I try to look forward, it's not so much a material goal I wish to set for myself, but it's this freedom from the anxiety of not being read, of not being seen, of not mattering, that I seek.

This is the core fear of an Enneagram Type 4, which I completely understand now, because I live it everyday.

So my 'goals' for the year ahead focus on the feelings I seek to incorporate more of in my daily life.

1. Contentment — Instead of believing I can only be happy with more, I wish to feel content with my days as they are now. Writing and reading and hanging out with D and KrA. Sometimes, I veer off track and decide I need to become minimalistic, but actually that's not who I am. I love a place free of clutter, but trying to get rid of every beautiful thing in my life makes me less capable of enjoying beauty. I love what I have, I'd also love to buy what pleases me without shame or guilt.
2. Confidence — I'm always astonished when I see how much time I waste worrying that my books will never take off, how all that time could be better spent writing stories (something I love doing anyway but don't because of fear). So much self-sabotage involved in here. I'm trying to cultivate more optimism and confidence to try my best in areas that are within my control without getting derailed by all that is not in my control.
3. Compassion — Trying to change my disposition from one of melancholy to one of joy and optimism is a tremendous task. I wish to have more compassion for myself along the way.

So those are my 3Cs for this year. I really wish to lean in to that joy of writing and enjoying the day-to-day without worrying about how many books there are out there in the world or whether I'll ever have enough people reading my works or whether I'll ever make a reasonable income from writing these stories.

I think I'm quite sick of letting these fears stop me in my tracks. I've often seen that when I'm able to get past these fears, creativity flows unbridled. When I'm mired in all these anxieties, my life shrinks and I become incapable of thinking anything.

So here's to a year of focusing on what really matters, developing the emotional resilience and regulation needed to stay the course, remembering this is really a long-term game and it's the day-to-day actions that matter, and knowing that I'll be OK no matter what.