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# (day 13): moments of reckoning
- URL: https://thedreampedlar.com/moments-of-reckoning/
- Published: 2023-04-13T23:09:18.000Z
- Updated: 2023-04-27T01:00:10.000Z
- Description: Confusing thoughts, and a way out of the maze
- Author: Anitha Krishnan
- Tags: on writing, life, unadulterated, the creative life

I've had way too many conflicting moments of reckoning to put too much stock into any of them. 

First, I got it into my head that I have too much financial anxiety in the short-term to exhibit any kind of grit or perseverance to keep writing fiction and make a long-term career of it.

Then, I decided I must look for a job, a real one with the promise of a regular paycheck, and that it must not be writing-related because I wanted to try my hand at something new, something that won't involve long hours at the writing desk in solitude. 

But when I looked at my résumé, it was evident that writing was all I had done for the past two decades, and even my *interests* and *hobbies* had to do with reading or playing with D! No running marathons or jumping off cliffs or kayaking or deep-sea diving for me to list as interesting pursuits.

And then, it occurred to me that barring a handful of writers, most who've tasted success in the indie publishing area have a huge backlist. 

So why couldn't I sit and write and build a backlist without the promise of success, both near-term and far-term? Why couldn't I simply persevere and trust that I will find material success at some point?

Then, at one point I believed that I had to write every day, come what may, in order to build a backlist. 

But this challenge is showing me that unless I have a deadline looming over me, I don't really feel like writing every day. 

But, to be honest, I don't know who I am or what my pattern is. The other day I thought I had it all figured out, that I was a morning writer, an afternoon daydreamer, an evening blogger, and a nighttime reader. After two good days of writing fiction, I was unable to make progress on the manuscript this morning. 

Too many such questions swirled in my mind, so I went for a walk, thinking that would help clear my head, but after that I ended up spending the entire afternoon watching *[The Family Man](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The%5FFamily%5FMan%5F%28Indian%5FTV%5Fseries%29)*. It's hilarious!

And now, because I've been blogging daily as part of the ongoing writing challenge, I'm here to pen my thoughts for the day.

I think what I'm seeking is some kind of certainty, that if I were to keep writing, I'd find success some day in some way. But alas, no one can guarantee me any such thing.

When that unknown is so inevitable, why do I let it rob all joy from writing? Not as if I want it to, but it's almost as if I'm a helpless bystander in this entire unfolding of events. 

With that, I'll end today's post, because this particular pattern – of writing with much joy, then worrying about having no short-term income to the extent that I'm unable to write, then getting back to the manuscript after a few days and wondering what all the drama was about, only for that cycle to repeat itself – has been going on for far too long. 

So I'm off now to continue watching *The Family Man*, while my subconcious works out how to untangle itself from this mess it keeps falling into.