What are we trying to resolve? The problem? Or the discomfort?

Even after all these years of parenting, I don't seem to have gotten a grasp on this thing called 'guilt', especially when it comes to dividing time between work and spending time with D.

KrA usually tries to engage in a problem-solving conversation with me, which mostly ends in me shaking my fists and shouting about how unfair everything is. And that conversation usually ends in me having vented my frustration but the problem remaining entirely unchanged.

I wonder why I'm so resistant to the most obvious solution — take myself to the library at 9 AM and work from there for a couple of hours.

It's got nothing to do with not spending time with D, but almost entirely to do with me not wanting to spend time with my manuscript.

Resistance can be a tough problem to solve. My writing life has every potential to be joyful and stress-free. Yet, I have chosen to suffer and have introduced all kinds of ways to sabotage the thing of beauty it once was.

I have terrified myself into thinking that if I took 2 hours to write, I'd be a bad parent for not having spent that time with D.

Except, when I don't take that time to write, it's all I can think of. And when I do take the time to do it, I'm a much better human being and mother as a result of having attended to my creative needs.

Because the truth is I'm terrified of writing. I'm terrified of spending time and effort on a project that has no 'guarantee' of success, whichever way you define it. I'm terrified of working on something that could very well fail.

This sounds a lot like saying I'm terrified of living because I know I'm going to die at the end of it all.

And I'm also terrified of not writing. I'm terrified of reaching the end of my life and looking back and regretting all that time I spent being afraid of my art and craft instead of loving it and jumping into it with abandon.

This sounds a lot like saying I'm terrified of NOT living especially when I know I'm going to die at the end of it all.

There are no right answers. There's no one and nothing out there that can validate our decisions.

Even as of this morning we were struggling to make a purchase decision, worrying that it may not be the best choice or that it may turn out to be a poor choice in the future. We put off this very purchase decision twice in the past two years.

Every choice entails an opportunity cost. In committing to one course of action, we have to let go off all others. No one can tell you what the best course of action is for you.

When we place the burden on ourselves to make choices that yield the best outcome, we forget that it is not the choice that will decide the consequence. It is how we hold and live the choice that will decide whether it was a good one or not.

Which reminds me of wise words I once heard somewhere: Make a choice, and make it the right one.

So, what choices are you making today?