where is your safe space?

What if you've been looking for it in all the wrong places and premises?

I've long believed that we need to clear out the old in order to make way for something new.

This could mean old stuff — that's the first thing we look at because these are tangible, visible, and more readily accessible for clearing out — but also old beliefs, old expectations, old ways of doing things.

This is a very hard thing to do, especially when we look at the world and see that the ways that are not working out for us somehow seem to be propelling other people to heights of 'success', however we define it.

the myth of the missing piece

When I look back at my life, I find that in all my relationships, I had been behaving somewhat like 'the missing piece' from one of my all-time favourite writings of Shel Silverstein, The Missing Piece Meets The Big O.

While I wasn't necessarily looking for someone to complete me, what I sought was someone who saw me, understood and acknowledged me, and not only that but also celebrated me and made me feel like the awesome, generous, kind human being I knew I mostly was — even if, and especially when, self-doubt, fear and operating from a place of lack sometimes kept me from revealing those parts of me to the world outside.

But the world is also full of people who are mired in their own self-doubt and fears, and operating from their own places of lack.

In short, I saw myself as the missing piece and I wanted to someone like the Big O to come along and say to me,

"Look! What an amazing Big O you too are. Come, let's both be amazing Big O's together."

Now I see that Silverstein's Big O had more sense than to try and fix the self-image of the missing piece.

It simply gave the missing piece an idea as to what it could try — roll by itself — and only came back when the missing piece didn't need it or wouldn't be dependent on it in any way.

longing for connection

For a long time, I've been lamenting all the things I feel are missing in my life.

A large, loving, supportive family.

A network of friends I can rely upon. Even a single friend to talk to.

A community.

Someone to have long, deep conversations with.

The company of people who are inspired to live life fully.

And by that I don't mean people who are building companies or making art or doing what looks good to the outer world, but people who are walking a path they've decided to walk upon, whatever their chosen path may be, and showing up with grace and kindness and compassion, day after day after day.

And I pause for a second there, and it occurs to me that when I say these things, I'm saying that I want a world that shows me how beautiful it can be, a world that can convince me that my life too is beautiful and meaningful in a way that matters.

Again, I'm tasking the world to adopt the role of the Big O while I remain comfortably/uncomfortably ensconced in my image of myself as the missing piece.

what it means to be seen

I'm not breaking any ground here when I say that one of the reasons we keep ourselves hidden is because as much as we'd love to be seen, we're also afraid of what that would actually entail.

Because to be seen is to be exposed in very vulnerable ways, and to be subject to the onslaught of other people's opinions, whether kind or not.

This felt rather scary, and it wasn't until I read author and marketing expert, Russell Nohelty's, take on this that it made sense to me.

There's no such thing as a deeply resonant, widely impactful message that doesn't also piss someone off.

~ Russell Nohelty, The Author Stack

I want a lot of people to read my books — but I'm also terrified of receiving anything less than a 4-star review.

I want to be in the company of a lot of people so I can find those I can connect with — but I'm also terrified that would mean being ignored or disliked by some or many.

I want to try out new things — but I'm also terrified to find out that I totally suck at some of these things.

close-up image of a jigsaw puzzle with a single missing piece in the centre — Photo by Tanja Tepavac on Unsplash

The more I think about it, the more I've come to see that in constantly looking outwards for recognition and approval, for understanding and sympathy, I've lost sight of my own self and what I could offer myself.

Back when I was at university, a dear friend of mine gave me a card on my birthday in which she had written,

"I wish for you the ability to see yourself the way others see you."

All the while I had been seeing myself as the missing piece, others had been seeing me as the Big O. And I had completely missed that.

On the flip side, perhaps I don't want to be seen as the Big O, because isn't the Big O someone who's whole and complete and knows exactly what they want from life and where they're headed?

And I know with great certainty, even if others don't, that I'm nothing like that, especially not in my worst and bleakest moments.

So maybe that's the missing part. The mistaken belief that the Big O is someone who's always put together and has risen above the messiness and ugliness of life, enabling themselves to only savour the beauty and glory.

becoming the Big O

Which means we've now got to redefine who the Big O actually is.

It isn't someone who's untouched by the messiness of life.

It's someone who expects life to get messy and ugly and prepares themselves for it.

It's someone who knows that great beauty cannot exist without great heartache, but instead of wallowing, seeks to create beauty out of the life they've been dealt.

To live a whole, rounded, deeper life, the Big O is willing to experience both the good and the bad just as fully.

They don't pull back from being seen.

They simply don't let their failures define or limit them.

Nor do they remain in the illusion that any success they receive will last forever.

You don’t fear the dark. You light your torch ahead of time, because the pendulum swings both ways, and you’re going to be okay.

You let the pendulum swing—and instead of trying to hold it still, you ride it. Because that swing? That movement? That’s the rhythm of a life fully lived.

~ Russell Nohelty, The Author Stack

It's quite literally the concept of duality in the language of mystics. That light doesn't exist without shadow, that good cannot exist without bad.

How do you cope with it?

Do you refrain from labelling things as 'good' or 'bad' and simply accept the as-isness of everything?

That's one way.

Or do you determine what's acceptable and what's not, and prepare yourself to receive one even as you put in place support systems to help you when you encounter the other?

the inner sanctuary

So what are you afraid of, dear Reader?

If you're sick of leading a lonely life and seek connection, cast a wide net.

Know that some people will hurt you, acting out of their own unconsciousness — and then you'll go on to find love and sympathy from wildly unexpected sources.

If you're seeking community, know you'll find people who think like you do — but you'll also encounter folks who have completely different ways of thinking.

You don't have to adopt their way. But you could let it open your mind and heart a little bit.

And how you do that will depend largely on how safe and secure you feel within yourself.

At the end of the day, you are your own safe space.

We have to become the Big O we admire so much — the Big O who inspires us — the Big O who walks through the world not because they are confident of doing so...

...but because they trust themselves enough that they'll learn and grow and be okay, no matter what.