9 years of being a mother
Lessons learnt, realizations had, and digging deep for compassion, grace and forgiveness

Little D turned 9 years old on Friday!
I won't say that this past year went by in the blink of an eye, because it did not.
Somehow, this year I managed to be present more often, and even when I was given to losing myself in worries about the future or regrets about the past, I was also acutely aware of being trapped in those illusions.
a year of incredible growth
It was, most certainly, a year of watching D change and grow in leaps and bounds, feeling all sorts of conflicting feelings arise in myself, and trying my best to handle it all while trying to stay sane and calm.
Following our trip to the UK and India last summer and meeting many of our relatives opened up D to a whole world of people out there who were eager to shower him with love and affection.
What that does to the confidence and self-esteem of a child, or any human being for that matter, is simply remarkable!
D was quite confident of navigating his first day at school without my presence at morning drop-off. He went off on full-day school trips without requiring me to tag along.
(The duration of his ski trip his class got to experience for the first time, being in Grade 3, was the longest I'd been away from him. 6 AM to 6 PM!)
He was happy to be dropped off for playdates and didn't need me to tag along. Hugs and kisses are mostly a thing of the past now, although whenever I'm given the occasional allowance, I leap to make the most of it.
This was the year D went up three shoe sizes! Last summer, his shoe size was 1. By March, he was already fitting in shoes of size 4!
This was also the year D started calling me 'Mom'. His wake-up call for me in the early morning moments of vulnerability is 'Mommy'. 'Mumma' is completely out of his vocabulary now.
navigating my newfound freedom by turning to creative pursuits
Some of these transitions made me sad. But, overall, I too am happy to find myself stepping out of the enmeshment I had gotten entangled in inadvertently these past years.
With D becoming more independent, I was able to focus more on writing this year. And it has been great to find myself playing a role that is not 'Mom' all the time.
D's growth has given me the blessing of mental space and time to engage in my creative works, which has been very nurturing and nourishing for me.
This distance has been beneficial in helping me see my child as his own person. An individual being with his own thought processes and wisdom and perspectives that are often quite different than mine.

the innate joy of childhood
There are some qualities of his that have amplified. The sheer goodness of his heart. His kindness. His innate ability to transform even the most mundane of tasks into a dance.
Getting ready for shower is a fun process that lasts several minutes. As is having a shower, then getting dressed after that — it's quite a delightful tango.
When I look at how I get through tasks during my day as chores to be completed at the earliest and as quickly as possible, even treating my writing sessions as some kind of jail time, I can see the stark contrast with the joy that bubbles out of every pore of my child's being.
It's funny how I myself find it hard to follow all the values I try to instil in him — focussing on the process, not the output; on the joy, not the rewards; on the isness, not on some future state of being.
Well — it's not so much that I try to instil these values in him as the fact that these qualities are innate in him. And I only try my best to not squelch them out with my adult busyness and rush and unending demands.
Motherhood. Such a funny thing. So full of contradictions. Pride and grief bloom together as I watch my child grow.
Perhaps it is my struggling efforts at conscious parenting these past few years that are now helping me navigate these transitions with grace and more ease than I could summon when he was much younger.
Darling D,
The world is wide and vast, and you have so many treasures of yours to shower on this world and make it beautiful in a way that's uniquely yours.
Dad and I will always be here, your safe haven you can always count on.
May the goodness and kindness of your heart shine brighter with each passing year and lead your way as you grow and explore and enjoy this beautiful life of yours.
We are so lucky that you came into our lives. So lucky! So lucky!
Thank you for choosing us to be your parents in this lifetime.
Love,
Mom 💕
meeting guilt with grace
Sometimes, guilt crops up unexpectedly. But I'm slowly coming to realize that being consumed by guilt is also a kind of self-absorption and robs me from showing up fully and wholly in the present moment.
I've always apologized to D every single time I've faltered. But I'm beginning to see that perhaps it is I who needs to forgive my own self.
Dear Ani,
You are only human. Doing the best you can as an imperfect human being in an imperfect world.
Forgive yourself for all your mistakes. D already has, you know that by now.
So much love to you too!