Yesterday, I wrote what it meant to me to be an adult in how I go about my day-to-day life.
To do what the day demands of us, without complaint or resentment, and trust that all of what life throws at us is fuel and fodder for the dreams we're chasing, not impediments.
But later it occurred to me that that's something of a tall order, especially the 'without complaint or resentment' part, because when I woke up this morning, resentment had hijacked my brain once more.
KrA is still unwell, which means I had to drop D off to school, and I also had another appointment in the afternoon, and in between all this I came down with a stomach bug myself. So working on the manuscript was something that didn't materialize as much as I wanted it to today.
I felt resentful a fair bit, but I didn't throw a tantrum as a result. And eventually, that feeling passed away.
When I went to pick up D from school, I had to pick up one of his friends as well and drop her off at her friend's place, only a short drive away from school.
Having D and his friend in the back, joking and laughing and singing silly songs, made me so happy that when I dropped her off, loneliness came and sat beside me once more. Along with envy, because the house I dropped her off at was of the kind I wish I lived in, large and spacious with lots of children within.
I was filled with loneliness and envy on the way back home, and on any other day I'd have either criticised myself mentally or thrown a tantrum.
The stars must have aligned in my favour today because what came to mind was a little poster D had made and put up in his room. It's a printable craft from Big Life Journal, titled 'All My Feelings Are OK'.
All my feelings are OK.
And yes, it is OK to feel jealous and lonely.
The trick, I learned today, is to not act on them.
Sure, having those feelings lodge themselves in my body caused me intense discomfort. There's nothing more I'd have liked to do than run away or throw a tantrum and yell at someone, just to get that feeling out of me or to get away from that feeling in any way whatsoever.
But when I said to myself today, that all my feelings are OK, there was no need to fight them or rationalize them or question why they exist or do something to get rid of them or distract myself from them.
All that mental dialogue I used to engage in, badgering myself with questions such as 'How did I screw up so badly in life?' or 'Why am I feeling envious?' or 'Why am I not grateful with what I have?' didn't occupy any place in my mind.
I feel lonely. And that is OK. All my feelings are OK.
I feel envious. And that is OK. All my feelings are OK.
And that's it. After a while, the feeling passed, the mood shifted, and now the evening breeze is playing with the still-bare branches, tossing them this way and that in the path of the sunlight, casting leaf-shadow on the wall in front of my desk, making them shimmer and ripple like the sunlight-kissed surface of a lake.
And now, once again I am in love with the life I have, with the words I write, with this west-facing room I write in where the evening sun peeks inside and sees me at work and warms my heart and whispers to me on his way out, "Life is beautiful. Your life is very beautiful indeed."