free-writing: a brief one

On the dot today! It's 7 P.M. now.

First day of summer holiday – epic fail!

It started off well, me setting great intentions and all that, but when it actually came to execution, I easily slipped back into my old ways. Feeling worried and anxious, wanting to get the cleaning done and not get caught up in D's tendency to make everything play. So much for his desire to clean up for his birthday. Every time we pulled out a toy that hadn't been used in months or years, he'd set off on a new game with it.

How do I honour the child's spontaneity without endangering it?

I have no idea.

When I sit there, forcing myself to stay in the moment, all that goes on in the back of my mind are these thoughts – look at all this stuff, cluttering up all the space, things that we don't use, that we don't even know exist, taking up so much space.

I think I ought to start clearing out my belongings first, before heading towards D's. It's just that D's items – mostly toys – are so visible it's tempting to reach out to those first in the name of cleaning up. Oh, well! I'll tend to my clutter first. Role modelling is perhaps the only way out.

I just want to loosen up, not a little, but completely. I'm so tired of living like this – angsty, regretful about the past, worried about the future, wishing this present moment were different, wishing my past had been different for that would have spared me from this present moment, worried that if this pattern continues the future will not be any different than the present.

So here's to change.

Here's to no longer feeling stuck in the stuck-ness.

Here's to recognising the stuck-ness when it comes and perceiving it as an opportunity to try something new instead of an obstacle demanding I keep doing what I've been doing all along.

Here's to trying new things.

Here's to being OK with what is.

Here's to recognising the old patterns and beliefs as they arise, and when they re-appear, do the inner work to change them by shifting perspective, by understanding this is yet another reminder for me to step back into alignment, to come back home, to come back to myself, to come back to my worth, to come back to my being, my precious, precious being, this beautiful gift of life.

About a half-minute to go; I'd set a 15-minute timer, and I'm glad I came here. But today, after the madness it has been, I feel like stepping out for a walk. The sun is out, the evening is warm. So here I go.

Alors, à demain!

Image Attribution: Photo by Silvestri Matteo on Unsplash