D's birthday party last evening was an absolute blast! The fact that so many of his friends and their parents came over to celebrate this lovely child and made him feel so special warmed my heart.
But last night was brutal! I was way too exhausted but couldn't sleep, after having been subjected to the nonstop sounds at the party venue — the sound of people chatting, the delighted, sugar-high squeals of children running and shouting and playing, the jarring sound of my own voice against my brain after all that socializing and chatting.
My head was buzzing, my ears were ringing, and I was in tears because sleep remained elusive and refused to come and relieve me of my exhaustion.
It's half past four in the evening of what has turned out to be an absolutely gorgeous day — cool breeze with warm sunshine — bringing to an end the heatwave that blasted the region for most of this past week.
I've just woken up from a nap I had drifted into to make up for all that lack of good sleep of the past few days.
Past-me would have pestered myself to step out and make the most of this beautiful weather. Current-me is aware of the toll yesterday's party has taken on my body and my need to rest, and is content enough to stay at home with the windows open, occasionally stepping into the yard to soak up the sunshine and feel the cool breeze caress my cheeks and blow my hair.
Current-me is also aware of the age-old feeling that still arises in me, that longing to be somewhere else, someplace else, doing something else. Current-me has also learnt enough to know that this feeling will keep coming over the course of my lifetime; it is a vestige of a past, but I don't need to act on it.
I don't need to run away to Australia to seek beauty in its beaches on this beautiful sunny day. I don't need to move to a bigger house with a bigger yard and a deck and a pool to have a fun afternoon and evening. I don't even need to be out in my yard or the front lawn to enjoy this day.
In fact, if I'm not happy where I am, I'll be happy nowhere else, life has shown me over and over again.
So when the mind starts to tell me, "Look, how beautiful it is outside! Don your shoes and get out! Don't waste this day indoors!", I'm now in a position — after having caught up on sleep — to understand that these instructions are coming from an egoic place, a place where self-worth has deserted me, and that I am better off not paying much heed to them in the first place.
I've also set aside writing fiction for today and tomorrow until my brain is back to some form of functioning sanely.
Little D knows this innately. He has spent all morning and afternoon playing with his BeyBlades! At this time, yesterday, he owned absolutely no BeyBlades. And now, he has received the generous gifts of a BeyBlade arena, several Beys, and launchers!
I must admit, watching two Beys spin and bounce off each other reminded me of cockfights at first. After lunchtime, I too got pulled into the frenzy and battled with D taking turns with several of his Beys, losing almost all the time, and as of now I'm a BeyBlade fan too! Though I absolutely cannot compete with little D's obsession.
Coming back here after a brief interlude in which we made our way to the Indian grocery store and grabbed something for dinner. Gosh! Even though it's beautiful outside, I was giddy and hungry and couldn't wait to come back home and have dinner and fall asleep.
Dinner's done now, so I came here to post this.
Because this entire situation reminded me of what D said to me last summer, when we were in Vancouver, driving down a beautiful, scenic highway, and the child needed to go to the toilet. Instead of taking in the scenery, we were dashing to the nearest available restroom.
I remember trying to distract D by asking him to look at the mountains outside. And this is what my lovely, lovely child said to me: "I know the mountains are beautiful, Mama, but not when I'm getting urgent p**p."
All the happiness I seek is right here, inside of me. The blue sky keeps reminding me of this.