onwards with optimism

I've just finished reading The Herd by Emily Edwards, and this book has had such a profound effect on me that I came here right away.

The book tackles the very contentious issue of vaccination, highlighting how differing opinions on vaccination can drive a wedge into close relationships. I couldn't put this book down, curious to see how it would all pan out.

But, to me, this book above all presented parenting in a way I've never seen before. The constant worry and the angst. So many things could go wrong that we're always worried about getting every single detail right. And when things do go wrong, how quick we are to blame ourselves, as is the rest of the world.

I'm a little at a loss for words today because when I woke up this morning, I was in a rather foul mood about an upcoming family reunion this summer. It has been a cause of great stress and anxiety for me, so much so that it is ruining many of my present moments.

Fear of judgement. Fear of being shamed. Fear of falling into the same traps and patterns as before. Fear of not being able to stand up for myself. Fear of having to explain and justify my life choices and find myself lacking in their eyes.

When I'm anxious, I end up picking up a fight with KrA over the minutest of things. About waking up late in the morning. About watching too much TV. About my belief that we ought to be doing more around the house.

So much grasping and trying to control. I wish to rein in a little of life, remain in the illusion that if only I could do things differently, then I could compel life to go my way, prevent it from throwing things at me that I don't like.

I am quite tired of these foul moods and this desperation to make things go my way.

Sometimes, when my chest is all coiled in tension, I try to imagine what it would feel like if I could let it all go. How freeing it would be to let life wash over me, without demanding it take me here or there.

I feel the same way about writing.

If, instead of getting bogged down by fears and anxieties over writing, over not writing, over designing covers and writing sales copy and publishing my works, over not doing any of these things but spending my precious moments in imaginary conversations with family members, or regretting the past and assuming that the future is doomed and bears no good tidings ... if instead of doing all these things I could simply write what I want to and do the things I need to do to publish without questioning or cursing or ranting or moaning, wouldn't I be a much happier person? Wouldn't I already be far ahead in terms of work and progress?

Why does this simple truth remain elusive?

Why is there always this notion that there is a silver bullet out there somewhere? Some magic potion to swallow that would make everything easy and certain and guarantee success and riches and good health forevermore?

I find I have spent far too long in the depths of darkness, in the quagmire of depression and desperation.

There is no life to be lived in the depths of fear and worries, in petty squabbles and envies.

And so I resolve this to myself:

Henceforth, I will not fight with life.

Henceforth, I will not moan about the situation or the people, the past or the future.

Henceforth, I will take what comes my way, with acknowledgement and acceptance, without fear that it will wreck me, and continue to do my cherished tasks of writing and parenting without all these other distractions.

Every situation contains a possibility.

A possibility for me to respond with wisdom and equanimity.

A possibility for me to step into the highest version of myself and approach everything with optimism, courage and confidence.

A possibility for me to grow as a human being.

Please, God, please let me remember to keep forging ahead, doing what I can in the present moment, without getting bogged down by the mistakes of the past or anxieties about the future.

The past is gone. Henceforth, I shall not bring it up in my relationships or dealings.

The future has not yet arrived. Instead of spending time thinking about it, I can use the present moment that I have wisely and with much joy, instead of being miserable and resentful.

Growth is not fundamental to joy. Joy is fundamental to growth.

Writing is not fundamental to my happiness. But my happiness is fundamental to writing, parenting, even living.

May everything I do come from a place of joy and optimism, from a place of inclusion and safety.

In the face of angst and worry, may I sit down and seek refuge in myself, trusting and knowing that whatever comes my way, I also have in me the courage and confidence to handle it without giving into blaming and shaming, without pointing fingers at myself or at anyone else, without cursing and ranting.

This is the purpose of my life. To evolve into becoming a more conscious and joyful being. And from there, I can contribute creatively towards writing and parenting. It's not the other way round. It's not the other way round.

Please, Universe! May this alone be the guiding intention of the rest of my life. ❤️