The Universe must have eavesdropped on me yesterday when I was speaking out loud and deciding that when D is at home, I will be with him without resentment or worry.
Because this morning D woke up at 4:30 A.M. with a mild fever, and so he didn't go to school.
Like I promised myself yesterday, I decided that today would be a day spent with D.
But then the age-old doubts sneaked into my mind. The knowledge that KrA woud be working in the afternoon tempted me also to not give up my morning worktime, and so when KrA suggested that I head to the library in the morning, I jumped at it.
The library opens at 9 A.M. Since I'd been awake since 4:30 AM, breakfast got done by 7 A.M., and the time for me to leave for the library, 8:45 A.M., couldn't come fast enough.
In my head, I was already thinking ahead to that time, while KrA and D were hanging out together while I was mentally elsewhere.
When the time finally came, I got into the car and felt intense remorse for having left D on a day when he was unwell. Still, I got to the library on the pretext of getting magazines for him to read, then I sat down and worked on my manuscript for half an hour.
Then I ran back home, played a board game with D, had lunch, and ended up dozing off when we were both reading books.
I was probably asleep for half an hour when D woke me up shouting that a parcel he had been waiting for had arrived.
I was mad at being woken up so rudely, but I tried to be happy for his sake. We had ordered new clothes for him and he had been waiting all morning for the package to arrive. Only, many of them didn't fit him. 🙁 He was bummed, I was bummed, and I got into an argument with KrA about returning the ones that were too loose.
But truly, I was upset that what had arrived didn't fit. Whereas I hadn't even been part of the discussion when D and KrA made the choices and placed the orders online. A size 6X T-shirt fit D perfectly whereas another size 6X T-shirt ended up being two sizes too large for him!
Yet, I found it in me to blame myself and KrA, deem that we are a loser family who couldn't even place an online order correctly!
When my internal critic gets going, there's no stopping her.
On and on she ranted, until KrA stopped me and asked me what was truly going on. And in that moment I realized, like I always do but tend to forget later, that I have no more capacity for disappointment.
Did that reek of entitlement? Perhaps, but it occurred to me then that if I couldn't tolerate disappointment, then I was in for some very rude awakenings in life.
Later, I rationalized that another choice of response could have been to simply accept that we ordered clothes for D in size 6X, but turned out that the store's definition of 6X seemed to vary across products! Are we to blame for that? Should I have known that?
Of course not! Then why this addiction to self-flagellation and criticism? As if it's my fault that things go wrong.
Anyhoo, D had a physiotherapist appointment later in the evening. We came back, had dinner, read a bit. Because he napped, D is unable to sleep now (it's almost 9 PM) and so KrA is giving him company while I came here to type this post. I was about to fall asleep lying next to D, waiting for him to sleep.
But coming back to what I had said yesterday, when I had made up my mind to stay with D while he is at home, why did I change my mind?
In fact, I think I'd have been better off had I set out on a walk this morning. It would have cleared my head, given my body some movement and much needed exercise and endorphins, and likely set me up for a calm and comforting day with D!
So let me stick to what I've decided.
No path is perfect. It is always tantalizing to think of all those unlived lives, but I've found over and over again that heading down that route only ends in utter insanity for me. The best path for me is to be present in one place at one time, and not try to tackle too many difficult things in a day.
I may not accomplish much that way, but that is OK.