Yesterday, I resumed both Morning Pages and evening meditation. Just opening up the journal first thing in the morning made me feel as if I was coming to a place where I could unburden myself completely. I could feel my shoulders and jaw relax. I could feel a smile spreading on my face as I held my pen, hovered over a fresh page of the workbook for a moment, and dove right in. Sitting still in the evening helped me centre myself, and for the first time in days I enjoyed deep, uninterrupted sleep last night and I didn't even need the alarm to wake me up at the appointed hour this morning. My body was ready to get out of bed when it was time.
Another big factor that must have contributed to this change is that KrA and I had been on opposite sides of a decision for most of the past month. Somehow today we stepped out of that persistent state of indecision and decided on a way ahead.
There is a lot of uncertainty, as there always is, but it is an indescribable relief to not be in that state of indecision anymore, constantly weighing pros and cons only to make ourselves feel as if we are doing something useful and productive whereas the only thing we were truly doing was refusing to commit.
Now we've committed to a choice, and it feels like a huge weight off my chest. It wasn't my first choice, but I'll also admit that was mainly because I was terribly afraid of the changes it would entail. I was resisting all that change, and it occurred to me that even this life is not going to last forever, let alone this thing, this state of affairs I'm clinging to, seeking safety in the familiar, shunning the unfamiliar out of fear. When I saw that, I became way more amenable to KrA's choice.
I still am afraid, a little bit, but now that we've made a decision, I'm actually looking forward to heading down that path. I am curious to see what experiences life has in store for us and how I will rise to the occasion and respond each time.
And what about my writing today when so much has been happening on the life and self-care fronts? I've written more today than I've managed to on a daily basis for the past several weeks. And I also happened to design a cover for an upcoming novel, already written, waiting to be edited and published. How's that for productivity?
The secret is this. When my mind is not filled with garbage, it does incredible things. But when it gets sucked into a quagmire of thoughts and beliefs that don't serve me, then it is unable to function. It is entirely up to me to look after my mind.
Morning Pages and meditation are two tools that have immensely helped me, especially over this past year.
Find what works for you. And hold on to it as if your very life depends on it. Because it does.
I'll leave you with a quote from Dr. Shefali, a clinical psychologist and conscious parenting pioneer whose teachings constantly help me shed old beliefs and transcend into newer, wiser, kinder, and more conscious ways of living.
The one thing that is sure to mess us up is this: our old belief systems. When we blindly follow our beliefs without examining their roots, we set ourselves up for a major self-sabotage. We believe our beliefs so much that we close ourselves off to multiple realities. Instead of going deeper within to examine the root of our beliefs to possibly get rid of them, we hold on even tighter. When we are attached to our beliefs with a fundamentalism, we lose. And we suffer. We do this to ourselves and don’t even realise that we are.
Do you know who your greatest enemy is?
It is you.
Do you know what your greatest threat is?
Your unhealed past.
Do you know why you are suffering right now?
Because you are believing a false belief.