This morning, I needed to work on this month's newsletter – going out this Sunday! – and a couple of other posts pertaining to the books I have been reading and some thoughts on diversity and representation; I knew I wouldn't rest until I had gotten those done, so I set aside fiction writing for the day and got most of my pending non-fiction work done.
But the reason I'm coming to write this blog post before the day is over is because I realized something yesterday and this morning, about how I had been demanding success to show up in my life without me willing to put in the effort towards it.
After two straight days of writing and aiming for a higher-than-usual wordcount for me, I was ready to give up. Two straight days. That's it. Only two straight days.
The third morning began on a slightly difficult note, and that was all it took me to start questioning my decision to participate in the challenge, to start wondering if I'd be able to keep this writing routine up for the next ~280 days, let alone a lifetime.
I felt a little ashamed of myself, at how easily I was willing to give up, yet how quickly I was willing to blame my lack of success on the whims and caprices of the market.
At how easily I tell myself that I could spend a lifetime writing books and telling stories, yet how easily I panic and crumple at the prospect of spending 2–3 hours a morning adding words to the manuscript.
I could spend the next few hours or days or weeks lamenting my behaviour, this pattern of running away from difficulty that I've kept up for several years now without even realizing it.
I could be grateful that I'm catching this now, that my eyes are opening to this now, so that I can course-correct now, and remember that yes, there will be days when this feels hard and that yes, I can do hard things.
And perhaps, the other lesson to learn from this experience is that some things are difficult for me to keep doing alone, which means I can look to an external, trusted source for mentorship or support, for comraderie and companionship in this journey. Isn't that why I've been so keen on doing this writing challenge?