I wonder if the rich and the famous have to bother with mundane daily chores like washing their own clothes, cooking their own meals, doing their dishes, vacuuming and mopping. Or even sitting by the bedside of their child who is unwell.
I don't like being confined at home, which is almost always the case when D is unwell.
He was up a couple of times last night, fever-ridden and throwing up. This morning, he won't let us out of sight. KrA and I take turns to sit with him, cuddle him, hug him, and tell him how much we love him, and how he's been facing his illness so bravely and with a patience I can only ever dream of.
The truth is KrA and D are my role models when it comes to sitting with pain, sitting with discomfort. Especially, D. It seems to come naturally to him.
KrA tends to immerse himself in work, which is a far better alternative than the ones I go for — running away, picking up a fight, ruminating, regretting every single life choice of mine, coming up with doomsday predictions for myself and my family.
Anything other than
- sitting here and saying to myself, as Dr. Shefali often says, "Wow, this is difficult!" "Phew! This is so painful!" "Huh! Still very painful!"
- or asking myself the questions, "What am I resisting in this moment?" or "What am I attached to?"
I know the answers so well. I'm attached to my fantasy of D being away at school so that I can write my stories, attend to some chores — including cleaning up what with all the wonderful gifts we've received from his friends on the occasion of his birthday party last Friday, heading over to IKEA to purchase some much-needed shelves and bedsheets, making a library run.
But my reality has little room for any of these today. And so I'm resisting it with all my might, wishing it were otherwise, wishing I were someone else — a celebrity, a queen — so that I wouldn't have to do any of the tasks I'm faced with, so that I won't have to make choices about what to wear, what to eat, how to spend the day even, so that I won't have to even lift a finger to get through the day because I'd have someone else to do that for me, someone else to even decide whether this is something that needs to be done or not in the first place!
The funny, and thankfully the best, thing about feelings is that we don't have to act on them.
I don't have to draw up a 5-year-plan to become rich and famous so that I'd never have to do my own laundry again.
I don't have to put up vision boards and force myself to think only happy thougths so that I'd have a fun and completely pain-free experience.
All I need to do is accept that I was riding on a fantasy, which has now been shattered, and I have to look at reality as it is.
And now I have a choice: Will I navigate this reality being miserable? Or will I choose to navigate it with joy?
D has decided that he is going to spend all day in bed and not step on the floor unless it is to eat or to go to the toilet.
He has started watching a show called 'Grizzy and The Lemmings'. Apparently they watched some episodes of it at school, and he told me it was hilarious. I watched one episode with him and it reminded me instantly of Tom & Jerry!
The sound of D's laughter and this little writing exercise of thinking aloud and using the tools I have to cope with pain in this moment have already given me a shift in perspective.
I know exactly how I will spend this day: Hanging out with D, and very joyfully so! ❤️
Funnily enough, today's Note from the Universe says to me the following:
Today, Ann, you will be challenged.
Challenged by the illusions. Tempted to look to time, space, and all things material for understanding; to judge your place in the world; and to make decisions about your life.
You're more than your manifestations.
You're alive for greater things.
The truth lies within you,
~ The Universe Talks
How on earth did the Universe know?!
I'm also reminded of another beautiful quote I had written down in my diary a while ago.
Sometimes you get what you want. Other times, you get a lesson in patience, timing, alignment, empathy, compassion, faith, perseverance, resilience, humility, trust, meaning, awareness, resistance, purpose, clarity, grief, beauty, and life. Either way, you win.