the non-linear journey of creativity

One of the things that took me by surprise in my creative journey is the realization that receiving good news didn't always make me happy or, to be more precise, while it made me happy at first, my immediate second reaction was almost always that of stress and panic.

For instance, I'd receive a glowing review on one of my books. At first, the sight of those words of praise would make me happy. But almost immediately after, I'd inadvertently push myself to ensure that whatever I wrote next was just as brilliant or more.

Mostly, I'd just end up feeling too paralyzed to produce another word in the process, having convinced myself that I'd never be able to write something worthy of a good review ever again. (Dean Wesley Smith explains this very interestingly in his post, Reviews and the Art of Avoiding Them.)

Or let me think back to the time I got that promotion and a hefty increase in salary. I was delighted. But instead of looking at this as a reward for past performance, my mind told me that I had to prove myself worthy of this carrot even though it was no longer merely dangling in front of me, tantalizingly out of reach, but was already in my grasp, bright and juicy, crisp and crunchy, ready to be savoured right then and not at some later date.

At first I thought such behaviour was rather abnormal, but seems this is pretty common. We all think we'd suddenly become wiser or smarter or more intelligent the instant luck favours us.

Instead, what happens is that we become more of ourselves. Our insecurities and fears come roaring to the fore, and if we haven't done the work of cleansing our minds, of building good mental and emotional habits, we're more likely than not to squander the opportunities that come our way.

It's the reason many lottery winners statistically tend to go back to their pre-win levels of wealth in a few years' time. It's the reason why celebrities who become superstars, seemingly overnight, end up in the news for all the wrong reasons.

We're not ready to handle that seemingly abrupt change in life. We're not still enough internally to be able to wield drastic changes in external circumstances with grace and calm.

Success in the outer world — in terms of material success, fame, glowing reviews, lavish praise, etc. — can definitely mess with our heads, give us a heady rush, if we don't know how to remain grounded or we don't have adequate support to stay calm and centred.

As with everything, this takes time and practice.

The very first time people started subscribing to my newsletter, I started to feel this great sense of responsibility that my readers should get nothing but my best writings. Of course, all creatives almost always worry their work is never up to par.

The very first time I began publishing short fiction and began to grow an audience that liked my works, my inner critic quickly convinced me that I couldn't possibly be writing interesting tales week after week and that I better stop fooling myself and my audience.

What I wish I'd known back then is the fundamental truth that there is nothing linear about the process of creativity.

There's nothing linear about anything in life. Just because you scored an A in your test today, doesn't mean you will do so tomorrow. But just because you're not doing better doesn't mean you're doing worse either.

It just means we're learning new things and trying new skills.

In a long ago interview, I remember JK Rowling talking about her first post-Harry Potter book, Casual Vacancy, in an interview. Rowling was telling the host that she didn't expect everything she wrote thereafter to have the same magical touch that Harry Potter did.

She cited the example of Michael Jackson and said that after his outstanding success with Thriller, he essentially tried to recreate the same phenomenon with every subsequent album and that was tragic.

We assume success will make us more confident and help us feel good about ourselves. Clearly, that's not true.

True joy and self-worth are independent of external circumstances. That's not to say all rich people are miserable or that all poor people are happy. But feeling worthy, like feeling happy, is solely an inside job.